Are you familiar with the law of attraction? The basic premise of the law is, ‘like attracts like’, suggesting that similar things are attracted to one another. To put it into perspective, your thoughts are a form of energy and if this energy is positive, it will bring positive results into your life. Similarly, negative thinking will attract negative experiences. And while no one wishes to be closed, negative or pessimistic, we attract people into our lives who have a common level of emotional health as us. What this means is that if you want to create the love you want, you need to become the loving partner you seek first. This doesn’t suggest perfectionism but rather the philosophy that what you project comes to you.
We often find ourselves frustrated with love, or the lack thereof. We go on countless dates, trying to meet new people but end up with the wrong partners. We become disheartened and think that love is not for us, or worse, we settle into unhappiness and let it become our reality. Buddha has profoundly said, “The world is a looking glass. It gives back to every man a true reflection of his own thoughts. Rule your mind or it will rule you.” He explains that the outside world is simply a mirror of our inner selves.
Relationships are one of the most significant mirrors in our lives. How someone “makes you feel” is just a reflection of the beliefs you’ve set in place for yourself. If you find yourself in relationships that make you feel used by your partner, you may want to look at the beliefs you’ve set for yourself that allow someone else to treat you this way. An emotionally healthy person won’t attract insecure and needy people. Rather, healthy and loving people bring loving people into their lives to create beautiful relationships. So, how can you become healthy enough to create the love you want?
1. Learn to accept, value and love yourself
Often, we tell ourselves, that to feel loved we need to be loved and approved by others. However, this is what stems neediness into our lives. When you learn to see yourself through the eyes of your higher self rather than your ego-wounded self, you begin to truly value yourself. Our wounded self pushes us to embrace limiting beliefs of not being good enough. Valuing yourself will help you treat yourself lovingly, you will realize your inner worth and be equipped to share this love with someone else rather than trying to get their love.
2. Cultivate an inner resource of love and strength
When we are in a relationship, we look to our partner for everything, we want them to meet all of our needs. Practically, that’s a bit too much to ask for from a person. You cannot expect someone to be responsible for the pain or joy you feel. Cultivating your own resource of love, somewhere that you can turn to when you need to manage your own feelings, will put this pressure off your partner and put the power in your hands. This resource could be anything, from religious literature and connecting with God to meditating to understand yourself and cultivating a connection with your own higher self.
3. Don’t fear rejection
Once you realise your self-worth and you create beliefs that back the power you hold, you stop taking others’ opinions of you personally. If someone is unloving to you, it doesn’t threaten your ability of loving or be loved. However, you should learn from heartache rather than letting it consume you. When you manage your fear of rejection, you no longer indulge in self-destructive behaviours like giving yourself up, getting angry, or playing the blame game.
4. Heal your fear of engulfment
Many of us fear being engulfed into a relationship, of being controlled, dominated, or “losing ourselves”. This fear usually stems from growing up in an enmeshed family. Once you develop a strong, adult sense of self, you learn to create healthy boundaries when you’re faced with the risk of losing the other person rather than losing yourself.
5. Don’t look for a relationship to feel happy
Learning to put your own happiness first is not selfish. It’s independence. When you take conscious action on your own behalf to bring love and joy into your life, you don’t wait for someone to bring happiness to you. You create your own. The joy you feel for yourself will attract others who are making themselves happy, opening doors to loving and healthy relationships.